One Year Later: What I've Learned Through Loss
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I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of my partner, Panos, passing away. I can’t believe it’s been that long—it feels like it happened so much more recently. Naturally, it’s been on my mind a lot lately and I wanted to treat this week’s blog post as a way to remember and honor him, while also reflecting on what I’ve learned in the past year. I miss him every day; this one’s for you Panos.
If you are someone who is currently grieving, or someone who is trying to help another person in your life who is grieving, I hope this blog post helps you and makes you feel seen. Maybe it can even help you move forward.
Grief has become my constant companion this year. My beloved partner lost his battle to gallbladder cancer, and in an instant, life as I knew it changed. You can never prepare for the death of a loved one—even though the doctors informed me of the inevitable, it still felt like I was having an out of body experience. Is this really happening? Is this real? Today, I fluctuate between “I can’t believe it’s been a year” and “where did these 12 months go?” It’s a duality of my feelings that I am constantly trying to make sense of. On the one hand, I feel hopeful for the future yet I’m always brought back to the reality that someone I loved and spent so much of my life with is no longer here. And that is so difficult to wrap my head around even a year later.
While the pain of losing him will always be there, I’ve heard that the first year is the hardest because the markers of the “first” arrive. The first Birthday, the first Christmas, the first New Year. May 27 will be the first anniversary of his passing, and I do feel like this first year was truly one of the hardest of my life. It’s taken me a lot of work to learn to live with and adjust to this loss, but every day, I am healing a little more.
There are definitely things that can still trigger sadness like finding a note in his handwriting, or my phone alerting me to photo memories, or hearing a song that we would dance to, or going into a book store which we used to go to often—he loved books and was an avid reader of philosophy. In a way I think this loss was even harder because I have been here before. This is the second love and partner who I have lost.
This time, the loss and pain knocked me to my knees—perhaps because I was his caregiver and I spent months watching him die. There were days I really didn’t think I was going to get through it. The first time I lost my partner, over 20 years ago, I pushed everything away. I drank a bottle of wine everyday for weeks to numb myself (self-medicate) so I could not feel the pain and to be able to sleep. The pain felt insurmountable. I muscled my way through, distracted myself, I did anything not to feel what was happening to me—I didn’t want to feel the loss, and I denied that I was in any pain. This time, I knew I had to work through all of these emotions that were coming up and not run from them.
For me this meant taking a step back. I had to shut down; I had to shut people out; I had to reset. I had to just sit with all the very real and very strong emotions that were coming up. I also had to learn to go easy on myself, to allow myself to feel numb, sad, angry, lonely or whatever feelings were coming up. l just sat in it. Some of the grief I felt was new. Some of the other emotions that were coming up were very deep, they probably had been dormant in me for quite some time. As hard as it was, I sat in it until I understood that what I was feeling was the pain of my latest loss but also a lifetime of loss and abandonment. I leaned into it so I could learn from it.
I also had to take care of myself and my physical health because grief was not only taking its toll on my emotions but my body as well. I had to work extra hard and force myself to eat and eat well, exercise and try to get a good night’s sleep (something that normally is second nature to me) and I made sure not to drown my sorrow by drinking excessively, which in the past I found was easy to do.
While all of this was going on, my social accounts were hacked and then disabled by Meta. I was devastated. I had lost years of work. This really sent me over the edge. It was all just too much. I wanted to give up. I lost all motivation to do anything. I did not want to leave my apartment. I did not want to get out of bed. I really did not want to talk to anyone. I did not want to continue working on my business. It took the support of my content associate, for me not to just toss everything and give up.
Instead, I was able to continue to do the bare minimum. For my business that meant creating and publishing our weekly blog post and newsletter, and, because I had to keep my private business going, I managed to continue to work with my private clients. If it weren’t for my private clients, I probably would have never gotten out of bed. Today I can see what a gift they were, without even knowing it, each one of them helped me get through each day. Going to see them forced me to get out of bed, out of my apartment and out of my head. I could focus on them and not what I was going through, even if it was just for a few hours.
It’s taken a year, but I feel that I'm finally ready to navigate my way to move forward. I’ve seen the power of feeling my feelings and working through them, and the growth it can inspire. Grief is a very complicated emotion, and we all experience it differently, but here are a few things I learned in this last year:
You Don’t Move On. You Move Through
I was recently at a book party and someone said to me, “I’m so sorry for your loss, do you want me to introduce you to someone?” As if to say, it’s time for you to move on. What does that even mean? I’m not sure. But what I do know is there is no timeline for grieving and everyone has to process grief in their own time. Grief is a matter of the heart –my heart. Don't let others judge your grieving, tell you it’s time for you to snap out of it or move on. I’m no expert on grief but I’m pretty sure grief lasts a lifetime.
Anger, Guilt And Regret Are Normal Emotions
Along with feeling sad, lonely and disconnected. After he died, I was met head on with anger, guilt and regret. These are common emotions, I have come to realize. I was angry with him for dying, the medical system that failed him, and the people trying to tell me how I should be feeling, are just a few of the people/systems my anger was directed towards. I felt guilty that I didn’t do enough to save his life, didn’t take him to see a doctor earlier, had an argument with him just before he died. With the help of time and reflection, I have learned to let things go as holding on to this has only had a negative effect on my life and the people around me.
Everyone Grieves Differently
For me, the most difficult part of grieving was when people would tell me how I was grieving or how I was going to grieve, or when people compared their grief to mine. I know they meant well, but you don’t know how you will react and process grief until you are faced with it. And guess what? We will all experience grief in our lifetime. Personally, I think I was in shock for the first few months or so and along with the utter sadness. I felt all of those emotions mentioned above.
Grief “Burst” Happens When You Least Expect It
About six months after he passed, I felt I was feeling stronger and could get through the day without crying or having an emotional breakdown. One day, I was just about to go to meet a client but out of the blue I started to cry hysterically, and I thought I can’t do this. Not today. I texted my client that I needed to reschedule. I now realize that six months is not a long period of time after a loss.
You Will Replay Weeks, Days, Hours Of Their Lives Over And Over
This is normal, right after a loss. For a while I read our text exchanges, emails, cards, listened to voicemails and looked at pictures. It was so hard for me to comprehend that he was gone. After a while, I felt it was unhealthy for me to stay in this place for too long. The good thing about time is it lessens the ache of initial grief and all those could have, should have, would haves that kept me up all night for weeks/months on end.
Death And Grief Make People Uncomfortable
When I first expressed the pain I was experiencing to a friend, that I was unraveling, that everyday, while I cared for him was so traumatic for me, her response was “ I am not worried about you. You are so strong! I’ve seen you get through tough situations, I know you will get through this”. I heard this from several people. As if their perception of my strength meant I couldn’t be falling apart and did not need help. I’m assuming they didn’t know what else to say. Their response to my disclosure left me pulling away from them and wondering if I should have shared at all. There were others that when I told them that I needed to pull back and I would be radio silent for a while. Please don’t take it personally. Of course, they took it personally and felt hurt. I got such awful text messages, for not talking to them. What I do know is that my healing is not dependent on who responds kindly to my grief.
Finding Others Who Really Support You Is A Lifeline
There have been many other people who rallied around me and have been a great sense of support. A few were long time friends and family, but most were women I barely knew. Female entrepreneurs that I met through my business. They reached out. We connected, they listened and they understood. They sent me flowers, notes, offered their homes as a refuge to get me out of the city and a safe place to start to heal, took me to the theater, there were lunches, drinks. dinners and a year later they still check in to see how I’m doing. Having a good support group was a significant component for my mental health. It’s all too easy to turn inward after the death of a loved one and wallow in our tears even though at times we need to do just that.
When looking for support make sure the people surrounding you are not:
Minimizing your feelings
Dismissing that you are grieving
Comparing their grief to yours
Expressing apathy
Calling your behavior selfish
Instead you want to surround yourself with people who:
Tell you that they care
Ask you how they can help
Offer to take care of tasks like chores or errands
Offer to help you find help
Express empathy and understanding
Finally, Grief Changes You
Along with the inability to sleep, be productive, remember where I put things, etc. Losing your partner changes you. You are not the person you were pre-loss. My priorities changed, I think differently about situations, I feel differently about people in my life. I have become stronger and more resilient. I also have become very aware of my own mortality which has prompted me to live life more fully.
It is both a privilege and a joy each time I get to take another breath and live another day. I never would have predicted how my life is today. What I’ve realized this past year is that my relationship with my partner was, is and will always be significant and that’s a very good thing because he forever lives on in my heart. Yes, there is sadness and headache but there are also beautiful memories, moments of joy, love and laughter which I am so grateful for.
I hope this reaches the right people and that it resonates. I am excited to experience the memories and growth that this next year will bring.
Xo,
Renata