How To Manage Your Emotions!

Given the state of our world, we’re all experiencing a lot of emotional ups, downs, ebbs, and flows right now. It truly feels like an emotional rollercoaster. Our imminent future is unpredictable, and the majority, if not all, of us are essentially under quarantine. It’s scary, it’s frustrating, and every emotion in between. That’s why I asked nationally recognized child and family psychologist, Dr. Jennifer Hartstein, what we can do to manage our emotions. 

Here’s what she suggests. 

Validate your emotions.

Above all else, Jennifer emphasized that we can’t ignore our feelings—that just makes everything worse. We have to allow ourselves to feel the way we’re feeling, and then take the necessary steps to feel better. 

“It’s super important to validate that this experience feels like an emotional rollercoaster because it is an emotional rollercoaster,” she says. “So much of that is related to the fact that we don’t have clear answers, so we’re dealing with a ton of things that are unknown and out of our control. That makes people anxious. But if you can acknowledge that for yourself and validate that for yourself, you can then figure out how to help yourself ride the rollercoaster. But what we do a lot—and yes, I’m guilty of this—is push our feelings or anxiety to the side and pretend it’s not there, and then we collapse.”

Bottom line: Allow yourself these moments. It’s a scary and uncertain time, and things are constantly changing. If you need a moment—to cry, scream, stomp your feet—take that moment. As long as we’re mindful and don’t get stuck in that moment for too long, Jennifer says, we can let ourselves have it, knowing it can help us move on. 

Redefine what it means to have a “good” life or “exciting” things coming up. 

Because we’re in the thick of it (and there haven’t been many reassuring signs that the end is near), it’s hard to talk or think about anything besides the coronavirus. People all across the world have cancelled plans, trips, weddings, parties, get-togethers, and put their entire social lives on hold outside of social media, video chatting, texting, and talking on the phone. This can make it feel like there’s nothing good to look forward to. But as Jennifer puts it, maybe we have to shift our perspective, and look for bright spots within the context of our situations. 

“Maybe we have to redefine the word good, and look for something good every day. Maybe the good is that you’re talking to people you haven’t talked to in months, or allowing yourself that down time that you’ve been saying you desperately need. Maybe you’re connecting with your family in ways you haven’t in a long time. It doesn’t mean this crisis is any less scary, but maybe there’s a way to turn this new way of life into a good thing instead of saying oh this is awful. Think about how much this has made us creatively connect with people, be in the moment, and slow down. We don’t usually think of those things as good, and maybe we need to start shifting our thinking that way.”

Do what you can to stay positive—including appreciate the little things. 

One phrase that stuck out to me during my conversation with Jennifer was when she said: “Just like negativity builds on itself, positivity builds on itself.” The way I see it, that perspective challenges us to find joy, security, and comfort in the smaller facets of life. A calming candle, a good night’s sleep, an engaging book, sunshine through the windows. When we’re feeling stuck in a negative rut, it’s on us to find even a shred of something positive, hold onto it, and build on it. That, Jennifer says, is what’s going to keep us sane. 

“As a culture of Americans, we’re used to immediate gratification and a lot of external validation—which is evident in how people are acting right now. When we’re stuck at home, we have to get it from ourselves, and that’s much harder. I think it’s about finding the little good. Like wow, I just had the best salad for lunch. Maybe that’s the thing that makes you feel good, and then you just have to figure out how to make that feeling last for a little while. 

We have to shift to being more mindful and being able to notice when something feels positive. We’re so quick to say ‘yes but’—yes this salad was good, but XYZ is horrible. Sometimes you have to block the ‘but’ and say yes, that was a good salad. I might check the news in an hour and everything is crashing down, but at that moment, that was a good salad. The more moments we notice and the more moments we give ourselves, the more they build on each other. Just like negativity builds on itself, positivity builds on itself. We’re just more accustomed to letting negativity build up than positivity.”

Talk it out with positive people, and give yourself what you need. 

“Talking it out can absolutely help you manage your emotions,” Jennifer says. “But if you’re only seeking out negative people to support your negative space, that’s not going to be helpful. It’ll be validating, but not helpful, because you’re just feeding each other’s negativity.”

Instead, Jennifer suggests reaching out to people who you know make you feel good, and who you can connect with in ways that are enjoyable and lift your spirit. 

“I had a friend leave a group chat where people were talking about the coronavirus because it wasn’t helping her. Rather than disconnecting, we said okay, let’s turn this into something fun, and we started doing things like posting old photos of ourselves from childhood—something that made it a bit more entertaining. We have to advocate for ourselves, and if we’re trying not to get so consumed, we have to reach out to people who will help us not be so consumed, and avoid people who make you feel like you should be doing more.

If you need to lie on the couch, lie on the couch. Don’t stay stuck there forever, but if that’s what you need in this moment, okay. There’s always going to be someone who says, ‘Why aren’t you up? Why aren’t you doing more?’ Your thought should be: ‘Because I don’t want to, and that’s okay.’ At the end of the day, you can’t let other people’s opinions cloud your needs.”

For more advice on how to deal with the coronavirus (and a community that can help you get through it), join our Pure Joy Wellness Private Facebook Group. All you have to do is follow this link and click “Join.” From there I’ll accept your request, and you’re officially part of the squad. 

xoxo 

Renata