Your Sex Questions, Answered (Part 2)!
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Welcome back to our two-part Sex Series! Last week, we published Part 1—a list of nine questions that YOU sent in, answered in-depth by the brilliant sex expert and educator, Dr. Juliana Hauser, PhD, LPC, LMFT.
In this week’s post, we’ve got just as much information and advice for you—trust me, this is a MUST read! Whether you’re curious about lubricants, wondering about masturbation, questioning your libido, or seeking body confidence, Dr. Hauser has actionable tips you can apply RIGHT NOW to improve your sex life and overall well-being.
Here we go…
1. Does deeper penetration = better pleasure?
There is a lot of variety in experiencing deep penetration. It depends on your anatomy, fit of the penis or sex toy with your vaginal canal, how aroused you are, and what position you are in. In general, most women say that deeper isn’t more pleasurable if this leads to hitting the cervix, but there are some women who feel pleasure and perhaps an orgasm by having the cervix stimulated.
If you are interested, I would pay attention to tension in your pelvic floor muscles and experiment with different positions that give you control in the depth of penetration.
2. Should I be telling my significant other about my sexual fantasies?
I love fantasies and encourage everyone to invest time in their fantasies. There are three main categories of fantasies:
Those that could come to fruition in real life
Those that you like thinking of, but don’t think you ever do in real life
Those that mimic former sexual experiences or things you have seen or heard about in pornography, movies, or erotica
I encourage all of my clients to spend time in all three categories. Fantasies are a beautiful way to sexually explore and express oneself. Clients often fear the meaning of their fantasies and fear that their partners may judge them, reject them, or shut down. The fears are valid as we don’t live in a society that teaches us competency in sexual languaging or sexual communication.
If you choose to tell your fantasies with your partner I suggest:
Letting your partner know you are saying something vulnerable and requesting a judgment free zone
Time the sharing to optimize safety and a vibe of curiosity
Explain which category the fantasy falls under
Know if you want their feedback, interest level or support and state that up front
If your partner is supportive, end the interaction with appreciation for that safe exchange
Give room for your partner to share fantasies of their own as well
3. Should I be using lubricants for sex? If so, do you have any recommendations?
There is no shame in using lubrication—in fact, I highly recommend using lubrication for self-pleasure and partnered sexual connection. Lubricants can be used proactively (pre-arousal), or for assistance after arousal. Fortunately, we have a wonderful array of lubricants to choose from these days.
When picking a lubricant, it’s important to first consider how you are going to use it and what your needs are for product ingredients (i.e. do you have any allergies? Or ingredients you want to stay away from?). From there, I recommend trying multiple types to see what you like. Also, remember that lubricants have a shelf life, so you should absolutely pay attention to their expiration dates.
Here are a few of my lubricant recommendations:
My favorite all-around lubricant is the Femme Pharma Mia Vita Personal Lubricant and Moisturizer. It is high quality, and multi-use for many vulva owners. I work with this company and stand behind this product!
Uberlube is also a high-quality silicone lubricant. Across the board, it is highly recommended by most sex therapists and educators.
I recommend Sliquid for sex acts like hand jobs, vulva massage, and anal play.
Sutil is considered a great water-based lube for people who prefer not to use silicone products. It also plays nicely with sex toys.
Lelo Personal Moisturizer is another water-based lube that I recommend for use with sex toys. Most people find it non-greasy, and it’s considered condom safe. Plus, it’s fragrance free, aka good for people with skin sensitivities.
4. Why don’t my privates look like a centerfold?
Your vulva doesn’t look like a centerfold because the models in those centerfolds don’t actually look like that either. It was photoshopped or constructed through surgery to change her vulva to adhere to a look that some have deemed the preferred vulva look. It is all hogwash and unfortunate. As vulva owners, it is hard for us to see the wide range of variance of vulvas unless we are sexual with people who have vulvas or look at art and pornography of non-professional ones. We often have a lot of shame with our labia/lips in general—they are too long, too small, not symmetric, not the ‘right’ color. Unfortunately we’ve been socialized to think we are never ‘right’—with how we have sex, the amount or kind of sex we want and this includes what our bodies and vulva looks like. This isn’t true though. Our vulvas are like snowflakes; no one is the same. It is so rare for me to talk to a woman who describes her vulva as perfect or wonderful and if she does, it is often because she has a partner who has affirmed and normalized it for her.
I recommend immersing yourself in seeing different kinds of vulvas and making efforts to embrace yours. Look up ‘vulva gallery’, ‘BodySex with Betty Dodson’ and ‘normalizing vulvas’. Look at yours. Find the beauty in your shape, name it, love it, look at it. Talk to others. Talk to a medical provider who is sex positive and affirming. Find the beauty of your unique shaping and celebrate it.
If none of that helps, there is the option of surgery. This option is controversial in the medical and sexuality committees but it is an option for those who have medical complications from their vulva or have self-esteem issues based on genital presentation. If you choose this option, I highly recommend doing your research on the surgeon, the risks of losing sensation, and risks to harming the clitoral system.
5. How much is too much masturbation?
With most things sexual, a lot depends on the person. At the end of the day, you have agency in your sexual life. YOU get to decide what feels right for you—not society. This is true for self-pleasure. For some, once a month is perfect. For others, it’s twice a day. Allow yourself to normalize your experience.
That said, here are some things to consider if you have a nagging worry about it:
What makes you question the amount? (Did someone tell you it was too much? Does it seem compulsive, or are you increasing your risk taking of where and when etc.?) If you have legitimate concern, seek support with a sexual therapist or coach
Why are you self-pleasuring? There are so many positive reasons to self-pleasure (feels good, stress reliever, to fall asleep, to wake up, bored, turned on, to know what your body likes, to keep the fire stoked, etc.), so just make sure it’s coming from a positive place. Also, see if you have variance in your reasoning or a particular trigger to it.
In my practice, it is rare for me to see someone who engages in an unhealthy amount of self-pleasure, however it can happen. Most who are concerned, are not dealing with a sexual dysfunction but rather a socialized fear of sexual pleasure and have associated self-pleasure with shame.
If your self-pleasure interferes with your everyday functioning, it takes the place of sexual connection with your partner more often than not, or you find yourself having to ‘up the stimulation’ to achieve pleasure or release, then it’s worth speaking with a sexual therapist or educator.
6. What if one of us is not in the mood to have sex?
If one person isn’t in the mood, then no is the answer for that instance. The interested party can take care of their own needs solo or see if the partner wants to participate in other ways like watching, encouraging, or giving privacy for the person.
I do not ever recommend forcing yourself or your partner into sexual connection. I also do not believe in ‘faking it until you make it’. It is rare that attitude translates into great connection or a change into meaningful or fulfilling sex.
There are two caveats to this: if you know you or your partner have a long runway from sexual desire, arousal, and excitement, and you feel safe in foreplay or sexual connection that is more sensual based rather than sex act based, it can be helpful to walk through the resistance knowing this is the pattern. Clear communication and low pressure is the key to keep this strategy consensual versus coercive. The second caveat is if the disinterest in sexual connection is persistent and consistent. In that case, it is important to seek medical and therapeutic intervention.
7. How can I feel more confident in my body and stop worrying that my husband doesn’t think I’m sexy anymore?
This topic is one that always changes my tone. If we were sitting on a couch together and you asked this question to me, my voice would soften and you would feel a vibe of, “I know, this part is hard.” I have such reverence to the topic of accepting our bodies—as they are, as they change, as they age, as they carry us through life. What is often missing though is the how. What do we do if we WANT to love our bodies but we just don’t?
Research has found that over body acceptance, body compassion makes the biggest difference in realigning our relationship with our body. Start with having compassion for what your body has been through, what it has done for you and what a miracle it is that it works as it does.
When I work with couples or with men solo, I often hear the man exclaim: “I think she is so sexy! But nothing I say lands with her.” And the woman nods her head. If we don’t have compassion for our bodies, it is hard to see the viewpoint from others. We can also easily disregard affirmation from a partner because they “have to say that.”
I think we also suffer from the “invisibility factor” of aging. Society is changing slowly but younger is still valued more, thin is still seen as more beautiful, and we live with that messaging daily. Of course it is hard for us then to not be hypercritical of the added pounds, the growing wrinkles, and the changes of breasts. Just last week, my darling 9 year old daughter looked at me and made the objective observation (albeit unsolicited!), that my breasts were droopy. Thanks daughter!
We all have our path to embracing the changes in our body. I think the healthiest ones lead with compassion, give room for some natural criticisms, embrace genuine compliments and lead with the belief that there is gain in the changes as well as understanding there is loss as well.
8. Can you give us your top tips on maintaining a healthy sex life?
I absolutely adore this question!
From a philosophical perspective, my tips are:
Try to see sexuality from a holistic lens. It’s about the whole mind and whole body
Learn about sexuality from a multi-layered perspective instead of it just being about sex acts and sexual orientation. It is those two aspects, but also so much more. In the debate of sex vs sexuality, sexuality is the evolved way of understanding our sex lives
Understand that prioritizing sexuality isn’t a luxury, it is a necessity
Embrace the belief that sexuality is the final frontier of self-development
As for practical tips:
Focus on your relationship with pleasure inside and outside of sexual connection
Have a varied, interesting and fulfilling self-pleasure practice
Take care of your sexual health and if partnered, promote this in your partner as well.
Ask your medical providers if they care about your sexual health and if they do not (and you have the ability to change), find a medical team that does and feels comfortable and proactive with the topic
Normalize talking and learning about sexuality with your friends, family, if partnered and by yourself. Read articles and don’t be afraid of your search history. Listen to podcasts. Buy books. Take courses
Sex therapy and coaching isn’t just for when things feel in crisis but to also prevent crisis or educate
Declutter your past sexual messages. Examine what you’ve been taught about a variety of topics about sexuality. Decide what works for you now, what you want to tweak and what it is time to get rid of
Understand that sexuality changes throughout our lifetime individually and within relationships. There is a natural ebb and flow and expected twists and turns. Be diligent of not agreeing to the ‘broken’ view of the change and see it has a normal aspect of sexuality
Adopt an attitude of curiosity and fun. Sex is weird, messy, funny, wonderful and ever-changing. When we normalize all of this, we can embrace a healthy sexual life
Find people in your life who have fulfilling sexual lives, who can be aging mentors that include disclosure about their sexual lives and be that person for those younger than you too
I can’t speak for you, but I am a HUGE fan of Dr. Hauser! I love all of her real-life, doable tips and advice. For more content like this, make sure to check out the Pure Joy Squad—our private community for women over 50!
Xo,
Renata