Why Maintaining A Healthy Sex Life Is The Key To Feeling Younger

What does it mean to “feel younger?” To me, it has very little to do with looks. The way I see it, feeling younger means having the energy, attitude, and passion for life that I had in my younger years. It’s a feeling and a mindset, not an appearance or specific look. And over the last decade or so, I’ve realized that there are certain things that help me “feel younger”—one of those things is a healthy sex life.

The title of this article—“Why Maintaining A Healthy Sex Life Is The Key To Feeling Younger”—is a claim I truly stand by. In my experience, sex and pleasure are crucial pieces of the puzzle that is our health and well-being. That’s why I invited Gabriella Espinosa, a sought-after body wisdom coach and pleasure educator, to talk about how to achieve a healthy sex life and why it’s important for every woman, but especially women over 50. 

Gabriella Espinosa is a Body Wisdom Coach, Menopause Mentor, and Female Pleasure Educator. She is passionate about empowering women to know, trust, and appreciate their bodies. Her work lies at the intersection of embodiment, neuroscience, eastern traditional wisdom and women's health and sexuality. Over the past 15 years she has been guiding women to connect with their bodies through yoga, somatic movement, breathwork and pleasure practices. In other words, she’s an expert on this topic! 

Here’s a look at my conversation with Gabriella.  

RJ: I’d love to hear about your menopause story, and how aging impacted your sexual desire, if it did. 

GE: Menopause was a huge awakening for me, and that started in my early 40s. I’m 56 now. In my early 40s, I went through perimenopause, and at the time it wasn’t as widely spoken about, and I had no idea what was going on. I developed anxiety and a feeling of disconnect from my body, and the things that went out the door first were my sexual desire and libido. That definitely impacted my relationship with my partner, because we did have a healthy sex life, and it was something that was very much a part of my identity. When I got to menopause, I realized I knew so little about sexual health, pleasure, and sexuality. It was a big wake up call to empower myself and arm myself with knowledge. Moving through midlife is a huge transition, and it’s normal to feel a lull in your vitality during it. It’s said that between 68 and 85 percent of midlife women report a change in their sexual desire—it’s one of the most common symptoms of menopause and midlife. 

RJ: Wow, when you put a number to it, that’s very surreal. So it’s safe to say that you think sexual health is important. 

GE: Yes absoutely, sexual health is fundamental to our overall health and well-being. When we are in-tune with our pleasure and our sexuality, that trickles out into all aspects of our lives—not only our confidence in how we show up in the world, but also in our creativity, in our relationships, in our work, in our community. It’s fundamental to how we show up in the world and express ourselves. 

RJ: I definitely relate to everything you’re saying. I’m curious why you see sex as crucial for women over 50 specifically. I know it’s important for every woman, but why us women over 50 in particular? 

GE: Well, society has told us that once you hit midlife, you become invisible. We don’t see many positive role models of midlife women showing up and feeling confident in their bodies, and many women experience a drop in confidence. When we make our sexual pleasure a priority (and I’m not just talking about intercourse), it increases our self-confidence and competence. It affects the way we communicate and we become more visible as confident women. Also, when we prioritize sexual pleasure, we feel more engaged with the world, our creativity is fueled, our relationships are better, and so much more. It makes us feel alive, and who doesn’t want to feel that way through midlife and beyond midlife? 

RJ: Absolutely, and what about menopause? How does that actually affect our sex drive from a physiological standpoint? 

GE: The hormonal changes that we experience during and after menopause are what cause a drop in sexual satisfaction for many women. The decreases in estrogen impacts the tissues of the vagina and the vulva, which can lead to pain or discomfort during sex or self-pleasure. For that reason, I always recommend lubricants, whether you’re self-pleasuring or with a partner. It makes the whole sexual experience more enjoyable. If your vaginal dryness or sex-related pain becomes chronic, you can see a doctor and ask about vaginal estrogen. It’s a topical form of estrogen that you can use to replenish and revitalize the vaginal tissue, and it only affects the linings and tissues of the vagina—the hormones do not go into the bloodstream. 

RJ: Earlier you mentioned vitality, is that synonymous with “feeling younger?” Does sex give us an energy boost? 

GE: Yes, definitely. Sexual pleasure boosts all of your feel good hormones and neurotransmittors: oxytocin, which makes you feel connected, alive, and safe, dopamine, which is a pleasure, motivation, and satisfaction hormone, and serotonin, which is related to happiness, optimism, and sexual pleasure. Sex, with a partner or alone, boosts these hormoens and neurotransmittors, and that has a rippling effect into all aspects of our lives. Those hormones help us live longer and live better. 

RJ: Okay, so now that we know that sex is absolutely important for pretty much every part of our lives, I’m curious, what do you think constitutes a healthy sex life? How do you know if you have one or don’t? 

GE: For me, a healthy sex life means knowing myself intimately and knowing what lights me up and turns me on. Physically, that means knowing about my sexual health, my sexual anatomy, and befriending my most intimate parts. A lot of women I talk to have never touched themselves or looked at their parts. They don’t know the names of the different areas. A good sex life is knowing yourself intimately. What turns you on? I’m talking about touch, smell, sound, taste, sight. Do you like playing music? Certain scents? What other parts of your body bring you pleasure? Knowing all of this requires some practice and self-exploration. Also, knowing how to communicate what turns you on, what your needs are, and what you want, in a loving and shame-free way to our partners, if we have them. 

For women in midlife, our bodies are changing. Our pleasure access points change—what turned you on in your 20s or 30s is going to change in your 50s and 60s and moving forward, so it’s important to find that out and adjust your pleasure practice. Finally, a healthy sex life requires confidence. Our bodies change as we age, and we start to feel shame about them. We turn away from our pleasure. We say ‘turn the lights off’ because we don’t want to show our partner our bodies, or we try to hide ourselves. But confidence is key for a healthy sex life.

RJ: That’s super interesting—so you think that women’s insecurities can stand in the way of them having a healthy sex life? 

GE: Definitely. Many women feel frustrated or betrayed because menopause or midlife changes their bodies. Even if they have loving partners who think the world of them, they feel like crap because, you know, they have a belly. So achieving a healthy sex life is really a process of befriending our bodies and connecting to them. I work with women to build compassionate relationships with their bodies and appreciate what their bodies do for them. A lot of women speak to themselves about their bodies with really negative, hateful language. The statements you repeat to yourself can shift the way you feel about your body, for the good or bad. I encourage all women to embrace the changes their bodies are going through, as well as care for their bodies—sleeping well, resting, moving daily, engaging in things that give you pleasure. All of that can shift and change your mindset and you will begin to feel a sense of gratitude for your body, rather than pressure and shame. 

RJ: Speaking of partners, what about women without them? Can you have a healthy sex life on your own? 

GE: Absolutely! This gets back to getting to know yourself intimately. A healthy sex life starts with you. I’m a huge advocate of women developing a self-pleasure practice. It’s a wonderful way to connect with your body. A self-pleasure practice is different from masturabation. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation at all, but it’s usually goal-oriented, with the end goal being orgasming. A self-pleasure practice considers the whole body, not just the genitals. There’s no right or wrong way to self pleasure—it’s just whatever feels good to you. I encourage women to experiment and explore themselves. Put on a really fun or sexy playlist. Play with the lighting, play with clothing, whatever puts you in the mood for pleasure. Explore your non-sexual erogenous zones, like your inner thighs, belly, heart center, lips, breasts, etc. Light a candle, diffuse an essential oil. This type of exploration is SO important for all women, and it can help women in midlife build their confidence and feel sexually alive. This self-work also benefits single women when/if they do get involved with another person. I always say own your pleasure for yourself, and then notice how it ripples out to the rest of your world.

RJ: I love all of this advice! To wrap up, can you give us three essential steps? What are three steps that every woman can take right now to start improving their sex life, whether they have a partner or not? 

GE: Okay so step one is get to know your body and discover what lights you up. Step two is to develop your pleasure practice, based on what you learn from step one, and cultivate it daily. I’m not just talking about sexual pleasure—I’m talking about anything that lights you up and brings you joy. Focus on simple, everyday pleasures: it could be going for a walk, spending time in nature, having your coffee in the morning, wearing a particular item of clothing. Notice how those activities make you feel. Focus on the five senses, as I mentioned earlier: touch, smell, taste, sight, sound. These pleasures can be sexually-oriented, but they don’t have to be. I, for instance, love museums and engaging with color and art. That lights me up. Engage in simple pleasures that involve the five senses. Finally, step three is communication. Figure out how to communicate your wants and desires in a shame-free, empowered way, whether you’re simply giving yourself permission to have those wants and desires or verbally communicating them to a partner. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is!

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I loved this conversation with Gabriella, and I hope you got a lot out of it, too! To learn more about Gabriella and her work, you can visit her website at www.gabriellaespinosa.com, and check out her Instagram @gabriellaespinosa. 

Xo, 

Renata